Moses
Moses, meet Hobbits. Hobbits, meet Moses. (To the Tune of "Do u Know the Muffin Man) *Do you know the Moses Man, the Moses Man, the Moses Man?! Do you know the Moses man, who lives in Moses Land?! |
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The Begining...
Arwen and Elrond are having an enlightening conversation at Rivendell. Arwen refers to her father as "Adda," which, as everybody knows, is Jew-nese (Hebrew) for "dad." It is then discovered that all elves are Jewish. Moving on to the big party at Rohan (where they are celebrating the fact that a bunch of people just died at Helm's Deep, who-hoo!). If you notice, a lot of the lamps have eight candles. Therefore, it can be concluded that all good people in Middle Earth are Jewish. And since the Jews are being oppressed by the Orcs, the Orcs are now the German Nazis. And their loyal allies, the big, evil, giant, flying bird-thingies are the Japanese fighter planes (and the part when the raid Ministirith/Gondor is Pearl Harbor). Also, when rides his pony out with his big white-sticky thing, it is discovered that Gandalf is Moses. And since he is Moses, he is the keeper of the Jewish heaven: Moses Land, but when Moses is off fighting the Nazis, the creepy blonde lady that can read people's minds watches over Moses Land. And that star that she gave Frodo is the Star of David. But anyhow, the reason the Nazis and Japanese are so pissed is because they had a bad reaction to the food at the Jewish-run-Chinese-food-restaurant (with Kosher only). This is technically the place that the big green light comes out of. Now, back to Gondor (or Big City With Rock In Middle - BCWRIM).
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The Middle
The Steward of Gondor is, for a fact, a Russian spy. But nobody know...or cares. And when Pippin is pledging his allegiance to the Steward, he is really being bar mitzvah-ed. Okay, after Pearl Harbor, Rohan comes to the rescue. But none of the Orcs know that their leader, Hitler (Saroman) was captured at Izenguard a long time ago. But luckily (for the Nazis at least), the replacement Hitler (Sauron) is still alive, but he's running the Nazi training camp. Just when it looks like the Jews are going to win, the Germans' other allies (the Italians) show up. They are the freaky samurais on the giant elephants (which are a result of German radiation testing beneath the streets of a quiet Swiss village, whose inhabitants were later kidnapped and brainwashed by the Nazis). Anyhow, these mammouth creatures are following their schizophrenic leader, the Godfather (big, creepy Latin dude with the painted face). His three personalities are Al Pacino, Alcapone and Marlin Brando. So now, the Italians and remaining Nazis and Japanese are killing the Jewish people. But, have no fear: Aragorn, Legolas and Rabbi Gimli have returned with the nuclear bomb and are about to launch Hiroshima. The nuke is actually all the dead people, which represents the Jews' revenge.
The End
Now the bomb is technically the dead people. These people were Jewish, but then they became Nazi spies and got by Moses (because he’s like God, so he can see EVERYTHING!!!!!! Insert evil laugh) and were then banned from Moses-Land (which has no relation what so ever to Dolly Land). They were then forced to wander the Earth as the living dead until their sins were repaid and blah blah blah…this resulted in many fascinating horror movies including Dawn of the Dead, The Sixth Sense and The Shining. So then before the bomb explodes, the Nazi/Japanese/Italians break down the door with the Trojan Horse (Trojan man!) which is, in fact, a burning metal pig. But the bomb does explode and all the bad folks at BCWRIM die. Tear, cry, so sad, depressing song plays in background and we all move on. So then the Jews head over to the Nazi training camp: Mordor. But as their on their way, Frodo and Sam are having their own fun adventure. They get to starve to death on a giant staircase! WHO-HOO!!! Led by Gollum, the atheist freak who escaped from his goat-worshiping-carnie master (Degol), they’re almost really screwed (note: because this is a movie, the good guy who holds the key to destroying all evil in middle earth will never be completely and utterly screwed, though they will come dangerously close for additional dramatic suspense). So they’re on their way to (unknowingly) visit Shelob, who runs a brutal Nazi concentration camp and was also raised with the radioactive giant Swiss elephants. So Frodo (who was stupid and ditched Sam…who is awesome) follows the evil Gollum into the camp’s sticky graveyard. The sticky stuff is not spider web, but is, instead cotton candy. There is no explanation for this, it just is, so deal with it. After Frodo gets bit by the radioactive spider, he is Spiderman. However, his identity is a secret, so nobody ever finds out…not even Frodo (that’s a good secret, ain’t it?). But then the Nazis come and bring Frodo to their training camp near Mt. Vesuvius (where the ring must be destroyed). Luckily, a civil war breaks out amongst the Nazis, giving Sam (who is SO much better than Frodo) time to save his sorry ass (again). They then dress up like Nazis and cross the Great Wall of China to get to Mt. Vesuvius (which were right next to each other before the earth shifted). So then the little army (led by Aragorn) is getting ready to fight the big scary Nazis outside the gates of Mordor, and the ground falls out. But only the Nazi/Japanese/Italian people fall into the hole. This is not because Gollum bit off Frodo’s finger, (“don’t let hunger happen to you”) fell into Mt. Vesuvius and subsequently destroyed all evil in Middle Earth, but instead is due to the fact that Moses (Gandalf, for those of you who have forgotten) has parted the Red Land (Sea) while screaming, “Let my people go” and attempting to escape the evil Egyptian pharaoh. The Egyptians are invisible. That’s the story, so just accept it. Okay?! Then Moses summons the angels (Jews become eagles when they die). So then everybody goes back to BCWRIM (which has been magically repaired by Tinker Bell and her fairy friends), and Aragorn is declared the first ever Jewish Pope and they all live happily ever after. This is the mind-blowing conclusion of World War 0.5! (Note: The last sentence must be read in that action-y voice that you hear in previews all the time. This is not a question and you will read the last line in that way or…bad stuff will happen!!!! Dum, dum…DUMMMM!!!!)
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Pretty Little People
Stuff I notice: Dom's tie is too short. Why doesn't Viggo (freakin' awesome name) put shoes on? Ian Mc Gandalf (If he's that old guy in the back) looks creepy.Elijah looks like he's in pain (Maybe he realized how much better Sam is than Frodo...j/k, Elijah's cool, Frodo, though a cool name, sux). |
